5 Reasons to Date a Real Man: a Rebuttal

Listen. If you know me, you know I have a little bit of a mouth on me. I was raised in a house with a luxury, strong Irish-Catholic mother who really does treat the word "fuck" as just another choice verb. The one thing she would not tolerate was telling someone to "shut up" as that was the most demeaning way to tell another human that whatever they had to say/feel/express was an unnecessary share because no one cared. My father on the other hand HATES swearing of all shapes and sizes. "Bligh you are so smart," he would say, "Why use crass language when you have such a broad, intelligent vocabulary?" Which is why it's taken so long to write and edit this entry, my lovely readers. I had to edit out a lot of language....But I've decided to treat this story and the decision to post just like I do shoe shopping: if you try shoes on and you want them and you do NOT purchase in the moment and you wake up the next day thinking about those shoes, you have to go back, Jack.* You have to go back and get those damn shoes. Well, I can't stop thinking about this. I wish I could namaste, not my pig not my farm, you, Tuthmosis and your article "5 Reasons to Date a Girl With An Eating Disorder.**" I cannot. This is my pig, this is my farm and I'd love to rebuttal with some feelings I'm feeling. So here is:

5 REASONS TO DATE A REAL MAN

1.) He likes that you eat.

-I love food. Anyone I have ever dated is gonna tell you the same. I love cooking, I am a great baker, and I don't think anyone enjoys a luxury meal out more than I. Real men like women who eat. What's sexier than a woman who can put away a bacon-wrapped filet and a loaded baked potato whilst wearing a killer outfit and making you laugh? Nothing I tell you. Nothing. I have worked at too many restaurants and bars to not appreciate and intelligently speak on truffle oil risotto and the differences between my favorite bourbons and rye whiskies. So I talk about food. I enjoy food. Food makes people happy. Happy women want to have sex with you. Real men like women who eat. Boom.

2.) He exudes confidence.

-There is a difference between a boy and a man and it goes by the name of confidence. Men are confident with what they bring to the table. They know who they are and what they want and they also seek that out in a partner. Real confidence attracts confidence. And it certainly doesn't hide behind a pen name. I believe this. Of course confidence is in constant flux: human nature is to question if what you are doing and the direction your life is going is "correct." Confidence wains. But that's why real men and grown women compliment one another so well. They have the foundation of confidence built to a degree that when self-doubt rears its ugly head, they don't crumble and attack one another. They support each other.

3.) Your success does not threaten his success.

- This is something I have seen first hand from some badass actor couples who live this adage. I've seen men become the stay-at-home parent because their talented and SUCCESSFUL partner is going from show to show and booking consistent work. EMBRACE THAT. Real men do. What about a woman's success deters from your own? If you are confident (see Number 2) in your own success, how could ANYONE else's take that away from you? Success is subjective and cannot be negated by a partner who produces her own.

4.) He doesn't prioritize money over you.

-Women, hell, PEOPLE like nice things and the feeling of being cared for. I love being taken out to a nice dinner or a 3-part date (I'm going to break that down in another post, don't even worry bout it) but you know what else I like? A handwritten letter. A walk somewhere nice. A beer. Fuck, you bring me a medium hazelnut coffee from Dunkin with skim milk and I'm good. Effort is good. Money and effort are not synonymous. And any REAL man wants to exert effort, regardless of if it costs $2 or $200. Real men get that.

5.) He knows how to take care of YOU.

-And yes, I am ABSOLUTELY referencing sex. Men make YOU a priority. They aren't sitting back, preying upon "your insecurity, neuroses, and daddy issues" so that they get off and you don't. Nope. That't not how that works. Uhhh usually they want to take care of you, first. That's how a man acts. If you're a male and you don't prescribe to this approach to sex, I suggest getting a blow up doll. SHE WON'T EAT AT ALL. Or have, you know, opinions or talk or cost you any money after the original $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Can you spare that, Tuthmosis? You need to borrow some money, boo?

I dislike that I felt compelled to respond to this article. Giving this air only prolongs your infamous notoriety and your paltry excuse for journalism. So, please Tuthmosis, let's clear some things up now. I don't hate you. I waste no energy harboring ill will towards you. I do worry about you. In this country you have the right and privilege to free speech, however ignorant and chauvinistic it may be. But it's your apparent infatuation over female bodies which lack healthy weights, curves, or womanly figures that worries me. I worry that you seek out "girls who are fragile and vulnerable." ....What you define as your ideal girl really does scream "girl." No, it screams 13-year old CHILD. And FORTUNATELY there are laws where that's concerned. But, who am I to speculate and judge? I'm just a WOMAN with a healthy appetite and thick thighs, raised by two awesome parents who taught me to choose men, not boys. And I hate to disappoint them both right now but Ma and Dad, there's just no better way to say it. Tuthmosis, shut the fuck up.

*that's a LOST reference. Get into it.

**I refuse to link the writer Tuthmosis' article to my blog, but please feel free to look it up yourself if you feel so inclined.